But he lets his anger take over. I know my own value, yet I feel like I constantly have to prove it to him, when I have never felt that way before. Not real. What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. Unfortunately I was. And I wonder if he will be with her if we permanently split, even though when I bring her up he says things about her as if he doesnt care about her, but I think back to the texts I read between them in January and I just want to melt away. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. I hope all is well!!! Shes not been complete gone if you ask me. He got really angry and said I dont do anything around the house besides feed the baby and that he could do what I do. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. Then they go back to their affair partner and talk about it. Its been a few weeks since ive written. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. It blew my mind. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. But wait already did. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit You dont need to explain yourself. We shouldnt be so hard on ourselves.I know what I know now about affairs. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. And then went running back to her in the fall. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. I think thats the part that did the most damage. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. K. You are in a very tough position. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. Let them talk. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. He will regret it one day. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). Even if its just her and I and he isnt here, I want to do what I want to do, and not constantly feel pressure to be busy and be out of the house just to make him wonder. Complete disrespect. The funny thing is I feel like that started happening when I shifted my focus on my own well being and took a bit of a step back from it all. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. I thanked him for apologizing. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. No lateness. Something. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. I dont want to live like this. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. Scary. I said to him we will make a schedule and I will leave when he comes to spend time with her, and once he gets his own place we will go from there..I dont know if any of what I did was the right decision, I just know I have to gain control of my life. That she loved me. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. He doesnt want your help. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. When you are strong and solid things will fall into place. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. His response? It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. Nothing worked or changed him. YOU let him contact you. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. He was going to fix it. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. And do not mention the OW for now. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. And if I said that to him it might be a wake up call, but then again, I might regret it 10 mins later and regret saying it. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. Normal life as far as they could tell. Turns out that was all a ploy to get me off the scent. I am not sure how this works. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. The longer the fog goes on, the more damage that is done to the marriage. People get it. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. Although he has been. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. A cheater. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. Thanks in advance! We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. He knew he couldnt and in the morning he told me he was staying with me. A team player. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. I know that. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. Im not saying D him. Wait for him sure. ,telling him to be home, telling him to do this or do that, then he can continue to think shes doing this, shes making me feel this way. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him.

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